Sunday, December 12, 2004

no new posts- My father is dying of cancer

I've not been posting lately

My Dad is in the final stages of terminal cancer

I'll post soon:
David Bruce Jr
Baltimore Maryland
Assign Blame and Keep Score-
that's what you're reduced to without functional boundaries

Who has their personal boundaries in reverse? The Victim
Who cares how we got screwed up, tell me how to fix it.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Vince Lombardi and being a human doing, not a human being

The following is a quote from the legendary football coach of
the Green Bay Packers.

"It is time for us all to stand and cheer for the doer, the achiever — the one who recognizes the challenge and does something about it."
- Vince Lombardi

While I'm not going to say that getting off your but and Doing
something is bad...

I am going to point out that this quote is an example of our
societies bias towards our analytical, logical left brain-
and doing is the dominion of our left brain.

Human beings, like everything found in nature, consist of
dualities, there is a polarity found in everything.
The tide comes in, and goes out, the sun comes up and goes down,
the seasons switch from hot to cold, polarity is built in the
the nature of everything in our environment.

If you concentrate on doing, and ignore being... if you value
your left brain and have contempt of your right brain, you are
ignoring the natural balanced state of polarity.

Read more in my ebook, "Dysfunctional Behavior Rapid Repair Manual-
Part of you is looking at another part of you
… in contempt!"

Monday, October 18, 2004

Put emotion and thinking in the ring- emotion will knock out intellect every time

Rationality VS. Unconcious Emotional Postitions

We are all familiar with the concept of our having both a
conscious and sub-conscious mind.

What is less well known is that contained within our
sub-conscious mind is a limit, a predetermination of our
capabilities, a self image.

The voice inside our heads, the voice we hear when we speak to
ourselves, is our conscious mind.

It is also our Ego.

It is under a dangerous delusion.

Our ego mistakenly believes that it is in control.
As a matter of fact, our ego will become beligerant if
anyone challenges that (mis) statement.

Our ego believes that it is aware of our level of self
esteem... it also believes that it has the whole self
esteem thing under control. If there is any thing lacking
in tbe self esteem situation, ego thinks either:
A) it can handle what ever comes up
B) nothing more can be done (so give up and change the subject)

Our sub conscious mind has a totaly different self image,
I call it self worth.

Self esteem is about doing, something we've done, would like to do,
wish we could do and so on

Self Worth is something that we BE

Emotions located in that sub conscious will over power our
thinking every time.

And our thinking mind will not accept this at all.

Put emotion and thinking in a boxing ring-
Emotion will knock out intellect every time

Have doubts?

Take cigarette smoking for example...
What is the reason you postpone tackling this one?

You know you want to quit (someday), you say you'd like
to quit...

Isn't the REAL reason you put this off is because on a
gut level you KNOW you'll lose this battle?

Instinctively (not on a linear, rational level) you know
that at the moment, you do NOT have the internal fortitude
to win that battle- so why humiliate your self?

Am I right?

Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence

David Bruce Jr
Baltimore Maryland
Assign Blame and Keep Score-
that's what you're reduced to without functional boundaries

Who has their personal boundaries in reverse? The Victim
Who cares how we got screwed up, tell me how to fix it.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Abused women and Victim Behavior

A quote from an article on Domestic Violence: Understanding Victim Behavior

This is often followed by a period in which the
abuser realizes that he has lost control. He becomes
apologetic and loving. The victim begins to see the man
that she cared for to begin with. Women who are victims of
domestic violence do not want to give up on their partner
or their relationship anymore than anyone

I want to add that the abusee gets power over the abuser
after she gets beat up.

This is known as the 'honeymoon' period.

The woman is now the manipulator and does not want to give
that up.

The dynamics of abuse and victim behavior are
complex. It is extremely difficult for a victim caught in
an abusive relationship to make the decision, and take the
necessary steps, to leave an abusive relationship. Abusers
are often very controlling and possessive. They often move
the family away from the victim's family and friends. This
removes the victim's support system and makes it difficult
for her to leave because she has fewer places to go to for

Fixing your personal boundaries means giving up on the
desire (unconscious or otherwise) to be a manipulator. It
also moves you away from being manipulated.

Unfortunately, people with bad boundaries don't like people
with healthy boundaries.

In order to want healthy boundaries ( I mean get your
uncoscious to go along with this new position) one has to
have self worth.

My ebook describes the differences between self esteem and
self worth

more soon

What I think is 'doing well', normal people call manic

I found this posted to message board I belong to-
It reminded me of a decade ago when I finally got it that the appearance of
things being in slow motion when I was on lithium was what non manic people
call normal.

more soon

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

We're featured on the front page of

We're now featured on the front page of
in thier depression page-

Sunday, September 12, 2004

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

By Nancy Schimelpfening


It's such a hard thing to do, but it can be so liberating
to the soul. What makes it difficult for most of us to do
is the way we define it.

We think of forgiveness as meaning that we should say all
is forgotten and things will go back to what they were.
This Biblical definition of forgiveness is very hard for
most of us to swallow. How can you forget the

How can you forgive the unforgivable?

To enjoy the benefits of forgiveness, however, we needn't
go that far. All that's really required is that we make the
decision to move forward, to let go of the old hurts. We
don't have to condone what's been done. What's wrong is
still wrong. We don't have to invite the person back into
our lives or even be friendly with them. What we do have to
do is allow ourselves to release all the negative emotions
associated with that person.

As long as we hold onto the pain, we are choosing to allow
that person's past actions to continue to hurt us. We can
also choose to stop letting them hurt us. That's a
definition of forgiveness that's more doable for those of
us who are less than saintly.

Read the rest of the story

more coming

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Assign Blame, Keep Score, Argue facts (enmeshment)

Assign Blame
Keep Score
And argue facts that are in disagreement.

This is all you get to look forward to without:

Functional, Healthy Personal boundaries!
This is also known as
Being enmeshed with someone is the opposite of having boundaries.
People with bad boundaries don't like people with good boundaries.

Up till now you thought you were the voice inside your head
That voice is your Ego

You are much more than an Ego

It is: Logical, Analytical, Pragmatic and virtually useless to heal

Working ONLY with your Logical Left Brain is like re-arranging the furniture on the Titanic!

From my newest ebook

more later

Friday, September 03, 2004

Feedback on Affirmative Action

I, too. think it started off with good intentions.
But I have seen it do as much damage as a suicide bomber can do.It can
ruin lives.
It gives others the right to abuse verbally, kill.maim, rob and steal If
we do not all have the same income, something is wrong. If I go
to College and you do not, and you are a person of color,you were done
in "by the man".
I speak from my experience in ghetto
schools in Chicago. Thank heavens those
nightmarish days are over.
I had a black principal who took great delight in humiliatilng me before
my class.
She seemed outraged that I a "honky"
made headway with blacks. She came from that space that "No white person
can understand the black experience."
Amd she did seek every chance she had
to scare me and beat me up mentally.
I tried to understand why this was happening. I blamed myself in the
beginning. And after a year of hell, I
know I stood in a sea of insanity and
left the school one day at lunchtime.
I was attending AA meetings then and was sober as I am now.
I later was assigned to another ghetto school and met with the principal
before school began.I had no bad record with the Board. But the new
principal, promised
me hell each day as she was a friend of my ex-principal and moreover,
wreck my professional career!The Union said they could do nothing
because only she and I were present at that conversation.
So I started doing subbing after that.
I found a school that was supportive
and encouraged me.I was so glad to be there and be appreciated as a
teacher and respected as a human being.
The black schools do have the chance
to get great teachers, but some of the black principals have a problem
dealing with any non-black teacher who does make in-roads and connects
to black children.
In work places outside of education, I
also do not support Affirmative Action.
We give children of color higher grades
for sub-standard learning? What does
that accomplish?
I was a Democrat till Carter. For some reason, after est, I saw
Democrats as
the Party of victims. I think it does no good to tell Americans we will
pay for your education, medicine, etc..Because
I know the governent has NO money.
The people who work put all the money
into that.
I applaud Bill Cosby for encouraging
Blacks to take charge of their lives and
stop whining.Both parties should tell their constiuents to find work or
create new
jobs for themselves. Worlers can be victims
Both myself and my daughter had to work our way to a degree.We did not
cry about it but did something.Action always works.
I think all races should be considered
I have been one of those hit in the head by "reverse discrimation" that
is why I despise Affirmative Action so vehemently
and have been called a Nazi for doing that
I think it is low of both parties to "go for
the black and Hispanic vote" and pander to it. I think it is insulting.
The worst and saddest part is promising them education and jobs.As if
true education and wealth were something
that comes from outside of you or can be given to you...It cannot.It is
something you desire, dream of and achieve.It is people who have money
that can open businesses where people can work.
People have not learned how to make themselves valuable to the
My daughter was an alternate-delegate
to the GOP NYC Convention. She herself was denied admission to the best
middle school in San Franciso because she was Caucasian and not Chinese
or Hispanic.
There was a way around that one...It was
ridiculous. But by that time I was fed up with Affirmative Action, and
decided, it
would not affect her. So once again, action worked.
Grousing does nothing..Being the victim does no good either. One needs
to play the game and not stop.
The worst way to go through life as you know, and the most unhappiest.
"They did this to me"!!
Nothng is more un-empowering.

Patricia Katz

Saturday, August 28, 2004

Needing and wanting are boundaries issues

Difficulty in determining the difference between what we
need and what we want is a problem of our Internal Boundaries
as defined by Pia Mellody in her audio set.

Without a functional boundary system, we cannot do several things:

Own our own reality- this is why we gossip and take the inventory
of othere

Boundaries are the CONTAINER for our sense of self

No boundaries, no self worth

They work together like an automobiles clutch and gas pedal

without one, the other is useless

I'm getting a new understanding of the how and why of my
"messing up" or self sabotage pattern that I've been
runing since the mother of most of my children left me.

My latest ebook "Dysfunctional Behavior Rapid Repair Manual"
spells out a lot of this.

In a nutshell, boundaries and self worth work together like a car's
clutch pedal and gas pedal

If you don't work them at the same time, you'll stall

Dysfunctional Behavior Rapid Repair Manual
A short report about an effective strategy to end
Dysfunctional Behavior Patterns.

Up till now you thought you were the voice inside your head
That voice is your Ego

You are much more than an Ego

The only real time expiriances we have are:

With our selves (our authentic self)
and with God

consider this:
All perceptions are in the past

When we look up at the night sky, some of those
stars are not there anymore... it took so long
for the light to travel here, that some stars
have exploded millions of years ago

We'd never know that by looking with our eyes

All sight, anything we see- light takes 186,000 mph
to reach us, then several milliseconds for our
optical nerves, cornea, retina as so on to process

All we hear, sound travels at 760mph at sea level,
anyway- everthing we hear is in the past

Even Sex, the closest we can be with another person
swaping bodily fluids and such...

tactile expiriences take milliseconds
for our nervous system to process


more later

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Article from Healthy Boundaries Ezine

Hi [firstname]
You asked to receive articles from
Victimbehavior and Healthy Boundaries Ezine
Library of Congress number:
ISSN# 1551-3831
Publisher: David Bruce-
606 E Patrick St #5
Frederick Maryland, 21701

Are You Someone’s Puppet? Four Ways People Manipulate Others
By: Mary Treffert, LCSW, ACSW, DCSW, LPC

With the current interest in mental health topics, a mental health language has emerged with words such as manipulation, boundaries, limits, rescuing, dependence, and codependence. Many people are unclear what these words meanwhen applied to relationships. I would like to bring someclarity to one of these terms ­ MANIPULATION ­ and how itrelates to the other terms mentioned above.

Webster’s New World Dictionary defines manipulation as:
“managing or controlling artfully or by shrewd use of influence, often in an unfair or fraudulent way; to alter or falsify for one’s own purpose.”

In relationships, manipulation can be defined as:
any attempt to control, through coercion (overt or covert),  another person’s thoughts, feelings or behaviors.

From this definition, manipulation would seem to have no advantages.

However, if you are codependent and defined by others, there can be many advantages. When you allow others to control your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and make decisions for you,

-- you do not have to think for yourself; --
you can avoid taking risks and making difficult decision;
-- you can avoid taking a stand on controversial issues;
-- you can avoid feeling responsible for negative outcomes;
-- you get to blame others when things go wrong;
-- you can believe, when others tell you how to behave,
; what to think, how to feel and what to decide, that you are “being loved” because they “want what is best for you”;
-- you can avoid feeling separate and alone by avoiding conflict;
-- you can avoid the hard work of emotional growth and development.

Appreciating the advantages of not being manipulated is to accept the hard work of living and interacting with others. It is about being willing to grow and develop emotionally.

These advantages can be that,
-- you learn to know who you are, what you like, what you think, and how you feel;
-- you learn to make difficult decisions;
-- you get to take credit for your decisions;
-- you learn to handle risks and uncertainty;
-- you learn to handle differences and conflicts;
-- you get to be in control of your life and know the freedom of personal self-reliance;
-- you get to have an increased sense of self worth by feeling competent and capable of taking responsibility foryour life and personal happiness.

Manipulation is usually attempted using power, unsolicited helping, rescuing, guilt, weakness, and/or dependence,  in order to achieve a desired outcome. For example,

1) Power ­ physical,  verbal,  intellectual intimidation or threats,  put-downs,  belittling,  withholding of things needed or wanted. The goal is to be in a “one up, I am right and you are wrong” position;
2) Unsolicited helping/rescuing ­ doing things for others when they do not request it,  want it,  or need it; helping others so they become indebted, obligated, and owe you.

The goal is to be in the “after all I have done for you, andnow you owe me” position;

3) Guilt,  ­ shaming,  scolding,  blaming others,  attempting to make others responsible,  trying to collect for past favors. The goal is to be in the “it is all your fault,”  or “after all I have done for you and now you treat me like this” position;
4) Weakness/dependence ­ being (or threatening to become) helpless,  needy,  fearful,  sick,  depressed, incompetent, suicidal.  The goal is to confuse want with need, with the message “if you do not take care of me, something bad is going to happen and it will be all your fault” position.

With manipulation,  there is a physical and emotional response,  such as a heightened level of anxiety or irritation,  although it may not be perceived as such.

Manipulation feels like a struggle or contest,  not free communication.  The reason is the manipulator is always invested in the outcome of a situation.

This is where boundaries differ from manipulation.

Boundaries (or limits) are statements about our values and where we stand on issues. 

True boundaries are not threats or about getting the other person to do what we want.
True boundaries are not compromised by another’s response.

For example,  you discover that your spouse has lied to youand has run up a large gambling debt. You discover the problem by chance,  get financial and professional help and are back on track.

However, there are new signs of trouble. It is time for some hard decisions.
- What is your bottom line?
- What will you tolerate?
- What manipulative tactics do you use to change yourspouse’s behavior ­ check up on them constantly, bird-dog them, never let them be alone, hide the credit cards, lie to your creditors, parents, and children? - How muchrescuing, guilt, power plays, threats, and protection doyou run on the gambler?

- At what point do you stop trying to change their behavior and let them know your bottom line?

You cannot make them do or not do anything. You can only let them know what your position is and what you are willing to do to protect yourself and those you areresponsible for.

The problem with loud, threatening bottom lines, is that they keep getting louder, more threatening, and redrawn lower and lower.
We tend to determine what our position and action is by what the other person does, instead of voicing our trueposition and then responding accordingly.  This is the time for tough decisions and actions.

In another example,  a friend asks you for a ride to work because she is having car trouble. This is the time toestablish ground rules,  such as,  how long will she need your help,  pick up times,  expense sharing,  days off,  etc. 

A boundary or limit is set when you clearly let your friend know what you are willing to do and not do.

Problems arise ­ she is frequently not on time morning and evening. Do you wait and be late, or do you leave her? Her car has been in the shop six weeks because she cannot afford to get it out. She has not offered to help with the expense, nor does she seem concerned about the arrangement.

Your friend is using weakness to manipulate and be dependent on you. She has transferred her problem to you and you have accepted it by rescuing and not setting boundaries or limits on your participation in her problem.
If you refuse to wait when she is late and she has problemsas a result, she will blame you and try to make you feel guilty. What we really want are for others to be responsible and play fair; however, when they do not, we either have to set boundaries, or feel manipulated and victimized with the accompanying advantages and disadvantages.
Lastly, often we confuse UNDERSTANDING with AGREEMENT.

This is when people confuse their decisions with wanting the recipient of a decision to like or agree with it. Whenwe make decisions that oppose the desires of others, thereis a cost. We usually attempt to minimize that cost by explaining, in exhaustive detail, our rationale for thatdecision, somehow thinking if they could just understandour position, they would agree.

Applying that scenario to parent and child ­ if a parent makes a decision based on the best interest of the child, it needs to be made separate from whether the child is going to like it. When a child knows it is important to the parent that they be happy with a decision, then it will never be in the child’s personal interest to be happy withan unwanted decision.  If a child knows that their happiness with a parental decision is of equal importance to the decision itself, then all a child has to do is be unhappy in order to make their parent uncomfortable and doubt their decision -- after all, it is always worth a try. This same dynamic can apply to interactions among adults also.

How do we manage manipulation?

By becoming more aware of our interaction with others.
Is the interaction an attempt to communicate or does it feel like a contest?
Are you beginning to feel anxious orirritated?
Do you want to get out of the conversation?
Doesthe interaction fit into a manipulative style?
Is there an attempt to use power, service, guilt, or weakness to get your cooperation?
Are you a willing participant in your own manipulation?
Is it easier not taking responsibility?
Are you attempting to manipulate others instead of setting clear boundaries?
Are you making a distinction between avalue and a preference? Preferences can be negotiated, but values should not.

Our society does not deal well with differences in values and preference. We tend to take it as a personal affront and insult when others disagree with us. We will avoid conflicts at all costs, because it feels like rejection.  What we need is to communicate to others, clearly and calmly, our values, preferences, and boundaries.  We need to be respectful and dedicated to listening, hearing and appreciating, if not understanding,  how we all are different.

About the author:

Mary Treffert, LCSW, ACSW, is a Licensed, Clinical Social Worker, who is an individual, couple, and family therapist in Baton Rouge, LA.

Copyrighted 1994

This article is for informational purposes only. Please contact a licensed professional in your area if you are in crisis or require mental health services

You may reprint/reproduce any of these provided you includethe entire copy, especially this credit.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

You can't use left brain tools to fix right brain issues

Here's the deal, "You can't expect left brain tools to impact right brain issues"
Not only that, even if the right brain was 'doing something', the left brain
would not recognize that anything of value was going on.
The right brain's most valuable tool is the tool of "Observation"
Observation is unconditional, it contains ZERO judgement.
Observation operates from the frame of Being, not doing.
When you BE something, you don't have to DO anything.
it's like Grace, you don't have to earn grace.
Being valuable is not  something you missed out on-
it's something you create, on tap, on demand, however much
a situation requires that you possess self worth, that's how much
self worth you generate.
When your right brain is performing the task of
Observation, powerful forces are put into play...
Your left brain incorrectly assumes that nothing valuable is
going on, your left brains unit of measure, it's meters to record
success or failure are incapable of registering observation.
Your left brain wants to fix something, from it's perspective
Observation is the equivalent to stopping the car on the freeway,
it  will say, "why are we stopped?" "There is no traffic?"
Observation is healing on the level of Being
the left brain operates on the level of doing.

self esteem is past, self worth is now

The more I think about it, the more I see that self esteem is a left brain thing, it's an ego thing.
Since the ego likes to DO stuff, (that is it's area of responsibility), then assiging the Ego the task of working
towards self esteem is useful
The right brain, however, can conjure up self worth in the present moment, it can do so "on demand", it*has* self worth "on tap"

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Self Destructive Behavior; Rapid Repair Manual

Writing that ebook consumed me for months, I've got to find out why
this blogger isn't archiving... I'll bet it's the ftp path

My ebook is being turned into a text book for re-certification
for social workers (L.C.S.W)!!

Self Destructive Behavior; Rapid Repair Manual
is going to help counselors learn how to teach boundaries!

This is amazing, it's also source energy helping me do the 12th step.

I've got to add a test so the readers can see if they learned what the
ebook says.

It will become course material, the neat thing is that this is what they
call 'distance learning', therapists are allowed (in most states boards)
to earn up to 25% of their credits for re-certifying via ecourses or
online learning- they are hot to trot to get out of having to take a
class at a 'brick and mortar' institution

They Want My ebook!!

also the feedback about my ebook, Self Destructive Behavior; Rapid Repair Manual, being written in the vernacular of the people who need it
... not in the college speak of academia

and the 'messages are given in short bursts, not lengthly orations

more later, I'm still driving a truck and have to get up early
(funny thing for a Republican to use to end a message with, but it fits)

Sunday, July 11, 2004

therapists are buying my "Repair Manual"

From my ebook

When I started learning about boundaries and recovery from
A.C.O.A issues/ Codependency issues one thing was glaringly
apparent- Every thing I found went into excruciating detail
about how we got this way.

After reading books and listening to about the 60th audio
on the topic I felt:

"Enough Already!"

"I'm 40 years old, don't keep telling me about what I
missed from my family of origin, just tell me how to fix
the damn thing!"

"I agree with you, something is broke, just tell me where
to put the #*@! wrench!"

This "Rapid Repair Manual for Self Destructive Behavior" in
ebook format is a quick study guide to fix what's wrong!

Each topic is a stand alone, easy to implement strategy for
"Rapid Repair" of what 12 step ideology calls- "Character


I'm very flattered to get favorable reviews from therapists:


Testimonials from satisfied readers:

I am a group and individual therapist/psychologist/rehab
professional living and working in Dublin, Ireland. I
constantly search for information that will help me help my
clients/patients to learn and understand boundaries in
their lives.

I usually seek information in language that does not go
"over the heads" of my client group. My base is in-patient
psychiatry and I alternate my working week in community
care psychiatry.

I often find I work with people from disadvantaged
backgrounds who have experienced extreme abuses and as such
they are void of an understanding of boundaries for

What I loved about your site when I found it was the
language which was easy to understand. Messages were given
in short bursts rather than lengthy orations and this suits
the short attention span of some of my client group.

Also each piece is complete in itself. I am also familiar
with the work of Pia Melody, John Bradshaw etc., (I
actually did a workshop with him when he was in Dublin some
years ago)

Your site draws together the best of many people in a
wonderful concise way. Mary Cantwell, Dublin Ireland


More Later

Monday, July 05, 2004

Created Free ebook to go with paid one

Ok, now I'm offering a free download of an ebook called
Healthy Boundaries and am still working on my paid ebook
called "Repair Manual for Self Destructive Behavior"

The ebook is zipped up, so readers will have to have winzip or similar
file compression/ decompression software.

That step was necessary because people at work will probably not be
able to download a copy due to a company firewall.

The ebook is encapsulated in ebook compilier software.

I'm allowing both private individuals and organizations (churches, 12 step groups
companies and others) to freely distribute the ebook- "Healthy Boundaries"

More later
happy 4th of July- Independence Day

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Repair broken codependent boundary systems

From relistening to Pia Melody and John Bradshaw tapes and
just as importantly from the process of life itself, I've
come to some startling conclusions...

to wit:

I've long known that to repair broken codependent boundary
systems and replace them with functional boundaries clears
up everything else...

what I'd missed was this:

The function and purpose of healthy boundaries is to
protect one's sense of self


If you're self esteem is trashed and you find yourself self

then you have nothing you're interested in defending

Not only that, this boundary/ self worth (self esteem)
stuff is also Catch 22

If you have broken boundaries, you have no container to
hold a boundary in

If you have no context (a system of boundaries), then
you're perception of self worth is going to be worth less to you

worthlessness begats being worth-less

Sunday, May 16, 2004

Spiritualiy for agnositcs

Here are some things to try on for size:

the idea that we are physical beings only and our minds are merely bio electrical
computers that do not consist of anything outside ourselves has the following problems-

When you change your mind... who or what is doing the changing?

Your ego is NOT who you are, what you are is *a space for events to occur in*

Without an ego, we would be like the character Dustin Hofman played in Rain Man.

In order to give up our ego, we've got to have a healthy one first-


More later, I'm working 70 plus hours a week, driving a truck and fixing it as well
to pay off child support and debts I ran up the last time I was self employed