Hulabalu on the topic of Self Esteem- notes to myself

[note to self- read up on the conflicting info on self esteem and take a position
pay special attention to the "let go and let God" position (which I do affirm) and
the "inflate your self esteem like it was a baloon" position (which I also affirm) and
include something that will lead me to a Higher Power/ Help your self balance.

"Pray like everything depended on God, and work like everything depended on you"
http://software4yourmind.com/right-brain-healing-the-jesus-nature/

Read these pages:

http://www.nathanielbranden.net/ess/exc04.html

http://www.threeminutetherapy.com/self-esteem.html

and some others found on google here:

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=pseudo+self+esteem+problem&btnG=Google+Search

http://education.aynrand.org/pushers.html

Invest some time here, there is a paper/ position/ ebook/ to be found here.

more later

This was posted to a delphi message board: Not Ashamed

hmm, I can't remember if I posted an intro here (I found delphi and
found several applicable forums for me to peruse)
My name is David Bruce Jr, I'm a recovering incest survivor.

A bio of sorts is on the contact me page on my website:

http://www.software4yourmind.com/contact/

I started the site Healthy Boundaries- Victim Behavior.com
because I wanted to put up all the information I wish I'd had
(in one place) when I began to work on fixing the effects of
being a survivor.

For me, being a survivor was about finding out where my
boundaries had holes/ were broken/ non-existant

For me, being an incest victim was about most of my life
(up till I had my first flashbacks)...was about my life
being victim based (codependent vittim based)behavior.

I also have a weblog that says this:

http://victimbehavior.blogspot.com

I titled the blog:

Repair Manual for Self Destructive Behavior

How to doc to fix vicitim behavior, dysfunctional self destructive and general codependent patterns. Where ever you search, all you get is how we got screwed up, not much on how to fix it, till now.

And lastly I joined here (and other places like this) to research
how to set up the forum I have hosted on my site- see my sig file.

Hopefully that says what I'm about and what I hope to accompilish
here:~)

David Bruce Jr
Frederick Maryland
http://www.software4yourmind.com
Which still needs choices decided on configuration and topics, input is welcome!!

Name your addict- separate the sin from the sinner

I've got to remember to add a section to http://software4yourmind.com
about the AA concept of naming your addict.

That is a gross generalization, I know,
but the idea is to separate your self into parts, different identities:

The real you (the one God gave you, the person you were meant to be,
the person you want to be (I threw that one in there if you're agnostic)

And your addicted self (substitue your dsyfunctional self)

On the sexual addiction mailing list I belong to on yahoogroups, astarttorecovery
(which has done me a lot of good with all my addictive behaviors btw)
I kept reading where people called their addict(ed part of them) by name.

for example, lets say my addict's name is little bart (Bart is my middle name)
when he is running the show, my life is more than a little chaotic
he's impulsive (which by itself I don't really mind...except he often gets me into
trouble)
he's selfish
he's childish- he is given to temper tantrums
and so on

I could go on and on (and should except I"m supposed to be writing my ebook
right now)

more later

To My Right Fighting Posters:

"Having the alcoholic in our lives admit that they are Alcoholics doesn't mean you're RIGHT and they're going to FIX it--some do--some don't. We often want them to admit having big problems with alcohol so they will act responsibily and recover--certainly they can admit that they are alcoholics and hope that we'll just accept it, pitty them, or continue to do the impossible fix them to keep us attached. Having our mates admit that they're alcoholic only proves that they know what we know--and of course we were right--but it doesn't necessarily change anything.
What do you think? "

This was posted to the http://gettingthemsober.com message board. [note to self] make an entry like this in my forum.
I've got to get more topics on my forum

It looks like it will take me considerable time to organize the forum to make it useful for people to want to go there.

Homeostasis: a relatively stable state of equilibrium or a tendency
toward such a state between the different but interdependent elements
or groups of elements of an organism, population, or group.


[note to self] remember to include stuff here about family systems theory,
and a person who is changing their boundaries for the better-
the rest of their family will fight them (and they will feel blindsided)

a person who is setting boundaries, is also upsetting the status quo
upsetting the homeostasis of their family

Found this gem while searching on googlegroups.com (a usenet style mailing list)

============
Subject: I found this to be helpful.....


View this article only
Newsgroups: alt.recovery.codependency
Date: 2003-06-02 13:25:08 PST


...so I printed it out, stuck it on the fridge door and make a point of
reading it every morning.
*************************



Do You Work Too Hard For Love?

Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes
those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was
unavailable or refused to participate.

To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we worked too hard.
We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation
for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the
work, we notice there is no relationship, or we're so tired we don't care.

Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring.
It is self-defeating and relationship-defeating. It creates the illusion
of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables
the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that
does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.

In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one
person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a
permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling
tired, worn out, needy, and angry.

We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, then let the
relationship find it's own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are doing
all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking
about feelings and striving for intimacy?

Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, the work? We can let go. If
the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it
is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We
do not help ourselves, the other person, or the relationship by trying
to force it or by doing all the work.

Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what
happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.

Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give
myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to
participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when
I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share
will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their own level. I do not
have to do all the work; I need only do my share.

Author Unknown
Post a follow-up to this message

Message 2 in thread
From: David Bruce Jr (dave@victimbehavior.com)
Subject: Re: I found this to be helpful.....


View this article only
Newsgroups: alt.recovery.codependency
Date: 2003-06-09 19:53:19 PST


I found it useful too.

I'm going to reprint it on my site:

http://software4yourmind.com

probably in the /codependency directory

thanks for posting it:~)
David Bruce Jr
Frederick Maryland
http://software4yourmind.com
Self Help tools for self destructive behavior

============
Mission accomplished

This post speaks to codependents (children of alcoholics, children of rageaholics) victim based behavior,
many of them want so badly to be loved, they feel they have to work hard at it-

the underlying assumption being that internally, they don't really believe themselves to be lovable-
not on their own merits.

the more I look at things, the more I see that fixing boundaries, fixes everything.

more later

[note to self: remember to add a section on emotionally unavailable men/ women to site, and while I'm at it, to the VictimBehavior Forum as well}

hmm, what is a blog image?
it says 'image icon'- this is from http://bloghop.com

which reminds me that I have to make a favicon graphic

among other things...

==============

Last night I was lurking on a new forum (a message board) called Verbal Abuse Forum

From the looks of it, that forum from VerbalAbuse.com has been around a very long time- it wouldn't have so many members if
it didn't provide value...BUT

That got people stirred up, the women on that message board all jumped on this guy, who said he was
dysfunctional, was a verbal abuser, and wanted help.

he was blasted for being predatory (my paraphrasing)...this will be interesting.

Here's my post/ reply:
==============

Man you all sure are hostile.

I didn't read anything in Joe's post to warrant
everybody ganging up on him.

I did read his ex wife's post.

What comes to mind when I read this thread is
that people who let themselves get verbally
abused (and they DO let it happen)are so quick to
attack.

-----
quote:
"Five years & you have done nothing to change???? Unbelievable"
-----
why is that so unbelievable?

you gals seem to want a pound of flesh.

people that are wounded have learned that the
best defence is a good offence.

it's dysfunctional, but that is the underlying
premise of abusers.

Why would someone give up their percieved best
defence without having a suitable substitue?

You can't get abused if you set functional
boundaries.

I've not been here for more than a couple hours
but not fixing your boundaries is a sure fire
way to get hurt (allow yourself to get hurt)

fool me once, shame on you
fool me twice, shame on me

I'll have to invest more time here to see if my
first impression of this forum is wrong.

I can see that this place has been here for a long time. It will take some time to lurk and
learn

David Bruce Jr
http://software4yourmind.com/
Self Help tools for self destructive behavior

Learning all the time about this blog stuff, it's really cool!

you can have someone 'guest blog' for you, you can add what they call 'feeds' from other blogs.
hmm, you could even compete with thedrudgereport and not know html coding (well, very little coding skills)

here we go, am trying to add this code:

Rate Me on BlogHop.com!








help?

Wow, trying to set up my Victimbehavior Forum to make it someplace valuable to go to for help,
advice, experience/ strength/ hope is proving to take up a lot of time.
I've been to dephiforums and getting to know the people there, the way I've gotten to know the people on
the yahoogroups email mailing lists will also take up some time.

The machine shop finished with my engine's cylinder head- $455
wow
I've got to either get a job driving a tractor trailer, or get the airport super shuttle franchise in gear soon
more later

Wow, trying to set up my http://www.victimbehavior.com like the new
http://www.victimbehavior.com/forum/ for example, and new ideas/ directions the site is going to take
and such.

more later

Boundaries are the CONTAINER for our sense of self

Without a functional boundary system, we cannot do several things:

Own our own reality- this is why we gossip and take the inventory
of othere

Boundaries are the CONTAINER for our sense of self

No boundaries, no self worth

They work together like an automobiles clutch and gas pedal

without one, the other is useless

I'm getting a new understanding of the how and why of my
"messing up" or self sabotage pattern that I've been
runing since the mother of most of my children left me.

My latest ebook "Dysfunctional Behavior Rapid Repair Manual"
spells out a lot of this.

In a nutshell, boundaries and self worth work together like a car's
clutch pedal and gas pedal

If you don't work them at the same time, you'll stall


Dysfunctional Behavior Rapid Repair Manual
A short report about an effective strategy to end
Dysfunctional Behavior Patterns.

Up till now you thought you were the voice inside your head
That voice is your Ego

You are much more than an Ego

See our newest Ebook here:
http://www.victimbehavior.com/dysfunctional/


The only real time expiriances we have are:

With our selves (our authentic self)
and with God

consider this:
All perceptions are in the past

When we look up at the night sky, some of those
stars are not there anymore... it took so long
for the light to travel here, that some stars
have exploded millions of years ago

We'd never know that by looking with our eyes

All sight, anything we see- light takes 186,000 mph
to reach us, then several milliseconds for our
optical nerves, cornea, retina as so on to process

All we hear, sound travels at 760mph at sea level,
anyway- everthing we hear is in the past


Even Sex, the closest we can be with another person
swaping bodily fluids and such...

tactile expiriances take milliseconds
for our nervous system to process

See more about this in our Ebooks:

"Self Esteem Takes Too Long"
http://www.victimbehavior.com/selfesteem

Self Destrucitve Behavior; Rapid Repair Manual
http://www.victimbehavior.com/boundaries/ebook/

Dysfunctional Behavior Rapid Repair Manual
Our latest ebook-
A short report about an effective strategy to end
Dysfunctional Behavior Patterns.
http://www.victimbehavior.com/dysfunctional/

======================