Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Found this gem while searching on googlegroups.com (a usenet style mailing list)

Subject: I found this to be helpful.....

View this article only
Newsgroups: alt.recovery.codependency
Date: 2003-06-02 13:25:08 PST

...so I printed it out, stuck it on the fridge door and make a point of
reading it every morning.

Do You Work Too Hard For Love?

Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes
those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was
unavailable or refused to participate.

To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we worked too hard.
We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation
for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the
work, we notice there is no relationship, or we're so tired we don't care.

Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring.
It is self-defeating and relationship-defeating. It creates the illusion
of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables
the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that
does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.

In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one
person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a
permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling
tired, worn out, needy, and angry.

We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, then let the
relationship find it's own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are doing
all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking
about feelings and striving for intimacy?

Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, the work? We can let go. If
the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it
is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We
do not help ourselves, the other person, or the relationship by trying
to force it or by doing all the work.

Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what
happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.

Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give
myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to
participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when
I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share
will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their own level. I do not
have to do all the work; I need only do my share.

Author Unknown
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Message 2 in thread
From: David Bruce Jr (dave@victimbehavior.com)
Subject: Re: I found this to be helpful.....

View this article only
Newsgroups: alt.recovery.codependency
Date: 2003-06-09 19:53:19 PST

I found it useful too.

I'm going to reprint it on my site:


probably in the /codependency directory

thanks for posting it:~)
David Bruce Jr
Frederick Maryland
Self Help tools for self destructive behavior

Mission accomplished

This post speaks to codependents (children of alcoholics, children of rageaholics) victim based behavior,
many of them want so badly to be loved, they feel they have to work hard at it-

the underlying assumption being that internally, they don't really believe themselves to be lovable-
not on their own merits.

the more I look at things, the more I see that fixing boundaries, fixes everything.

more later

[note to self: remember to add a section on emotionally unavailable men/ women to site, and while I'm at it, to the VictimBehavior Forum as well}